I love going to the movies. I know there are folks out there who would rather wait for the film to be released on blu-ray and watch it at home, but I like going to the movies to watch whatever has caught my eye. This past Wednesday afternoon I caught a matinee showing of “Michael Jackson’s This Is It.”  Going into this particular film, I expected a few things. Applause, cheering, maybe even people singing.  Which I’m okay with because it’s the audience responding to the film.

However, thirty minutes into the film two women came into the theater and went on to distract the audience, myself included, from the remaining 80 minutes of the film. They were the rudest people I have ever had the displeasure of sitting in a dark room with.  The worst part about this was that they sat directly in front of me. While everyone else was listening to “Billie Jean“, I was hearing a conversation about a doctor’s appointment. I was none too happy about that. Even after repeated attempts to get them to be quiet, they kept on going.

It is because of those two clowns I decided to make a short list of what ruins a movie theater experience for me. This list is solely about the audience and ways to help make the experience better for your fellow man.  Hit the jump and we’ll get started.

1) Shut Off Your Phone! – They make commercials about this before the movie even starts and yet a lot of people seem hellbent on breaking the rule. If you can’t stop texting, talking, or tweeting for two hours, don’t go to the movies. Just sit at home and text and talk to your heart’s desire. You don’t bother anyone, and the only person losing out on the plot or dialouge is yourself.

Unfortunately the two clowns in front of me not only texted, but called someone on their phone! They didn’t receive a call, they did the dialing. This lead to a five minute discussion about their children (“Taking my children out of that daycare!”), what bus they were catching (47), and dinner plans (Chinese anyone?).  Asking them to turn their phone off proved effective, at least for a good ten minutes until they decided to up the ante.

2) Don’t pull a Mystery Science Theater 3000! -  You’re not funny. You never were. All those people who said you were funny? Lies.  Now granted, sometimes you go into a film and it is terrible. Now usually people would just get up and go home, but sometimes the crappiness of the film is so paralyzing you don’t know what to do.  I remember going to see “Ultraviolet” and maybe halfway through the film, the entire audience knew we were watching a horrible film.  This sort of unspoken unanimous agreement about the film led some folks to start heckling, making the last twenty minutes less painful.  Nowadays people heckle good films. Tarantino doesn’t need your extra commentary. He’s a master of dialogue. Star Trek was fun without the need to throw in Star Wars jokes (“Where’s the Death Star?!”). “Transformers 2” was, well, not even audience participation could make that film better.

There are so many people now trying to win “Douchebag of the Day“.  The two clowns that sat in front of me tied for winner.  One of the women kept making one comment that was stuck in my head all day.  In fact, it earned the last spot on this list.

3) Keep Your Babies/Young Children Out of R-Rated Movies – Not because I’m some sort of parental watchdog, but because I don’t want to hear your child crying when the child has no business being in the theater. A few months ago, a friend of mine had seen “Bruno” and talked to his coworker about it. The next day his coworker was upset because he went to see Bruno and had his children with him. How it was my friends fault that the guy brought his children along to a film obviously not intended for them is ridiculous.  I’ve seen this lapse in judgement many times. Most notably a father took his 4 year old to see “Snakes on a Plane“, and another father who brought his five children to a screening of “Grindhouse”. In both cases, the children cried and the parents tried to leave the theater as quietly as possible.

As for general film going no matter the rating, I understand for some people it may be difficult to find someone to look after their children for a few hours, so they go to the movies anyway and hope their children are on their best behavior. It’s hit or miss. What is almost always a miss is the infants/toddlers. They always cry,  and with the loud sounds coming from explosions and whatnot, it has to do a number on their hearing.

And finally…

4) Michael Jackson Is Not Your Baby Daddy! – He isn’t. Wasn’t funny when she said it the first time, wasn’t funny the fiftieth time.

That’s all I have for now. Hopefully this weekend you guys will head out to a movie and hopefully be respectful of those around you.  Have any of you had similar experiences? If so, did it ruin your experience or enhance it? Let me know in the comments.